I kinda feel funny blogging about this personal issue but at the same time if there are other women out there that are having the same issues, then maybe it will help for them to know that they are not alone.
I am talking about an ectopic pregnancy. About 5 1/2 yrs ago, I had what is called an ectopic pregnancy. It is when the fetus is somewhere else other than the uterus. In my case it got stuck in the left fallopian tube. Since it can't survive there, the tube burst, I lost the baby, had a massive internal bleeding and almost lost my life.
I didn't even know that I was pregnant. One night when I got up to start dinner, I had a big gas pain, felt sick and really dizzy. When I laid in front of the AC, I felt better. Later on I started to feel dizzy again & had to use the bathroom but knew I would faint if I got up. When my husband came home, he helped me up and before I could make it out of the front room, I fainted.
I thought it was because of the heat since the heat can make me feel dizzy etc & because I did feel better at one point. I finally made it up the stairs to my bedroom and I think at some point I fainted again. Some parts are still blurry. I didn't sleep at all that night.
The next day my husband got the kids to school. I now felt worse. Feeling full, in some pain and could hardly move. The kids had a short day. I still wanted to see what would happen before I went to the hospital. By the afternoon I was in so much pain I was scared and wanted to go to the doctors. My husband called 911, the firemen took my blood pressure, I fainted again but they caught me.
I got over to the hospital by ambulance (very bumpy ride). They asked me the normal questions. I did not think I was pregnant. Not to go all TMI but the last time we had sex, my husband didn't, well you know, so we didn't think anything of it. They ran a test anyways and sure enough I was. She then told me that I was about 3 weeks pregnant but I also had an ectopic pregnancy and lost it. Not in those words but basically that is what she said. She also said that I had internal bleeding and needed an operation to stop the bleeding or I will die.
I had to process all of this but couldn't show emotion because I was in pain. Now I no longer have a left fallopian tube. My parents came out, helped me for about a week before going back to CA. That night I lost it. All the emotions of everything came flooding out. By the way, I lost so much blood that it took 2 1/2 bags to refill me! I am dead serious. If I didn't go in when I did, I would not be here. I went through a lot of emotional stages and going through one now (will explain in a bit). That was the first time I had gotten pregnant. I never really got angry and I pretty much know why it happened. I had a cyst (not cancerous) and that is what stopped it. I am not angry, I just wonder why was this the only time I have gotten pregnant since I have been with my husband for about 16+ yrs (before we got married & almost 13 yrs marriage).
I still and always will think about it. Twice a yr it really gets me, Sep (that's when it happened) and around May/June because that is when he/she would have been born. What also has been bugging me is how to talk about it to people. Since I have recently putting myself out there trying to make friends (something I have never really done being a shy person), things have been coming up that is hard to deal with.
All the girls that I have been meeting have small kids. Some around the same age mine would be. I hear them talk about their kids, what they went through when they were pregnant etc etc. As I hear them talk about it, it keeps bringing up the feelings I have about loosing mine knowing that I would be talking about it all too but can't. They do not know yet what has happened to me because the subject really hasn't come up for me to say something.
It is getting harder and harder for me to hear these stories. Last time I almost left the room to go cry in the bathroom. I know I should and have to bring it up to them but how and when? I just don't want to pop up and say "oh by the way I lost a baby and almost died 5 1/2 yrs ago" especially if everyone is laughing and having a good time. I don't want to spoil any ones fun nor do I want it to be about me or have the attention turn to me.
I knew this was going to happen. I want to tell them but I just don't know how to or when the best time to bring it up. I also know that I will start crying when I do tell them. This is my new step in the grieving I guess, learning how and when to talk to people about it. I don't know what to do about it. I know I will work it out but for now it is very hard and I feel stuck. I know, a pretty long blog just to say what my issues is but I felt I had to explain my story first. Thanks for reading this long blog. If anyone has had an ectopic pregnancy, feel free to leave a comment or talk about it. Not a lot of people know about it and it can be really hard to get through.
