I Love Living In The Future, The Past Is great Too Part 1

I love living in the future, the past was great too. You can't talk about the future without talking about the past. I am a kid from the 70's and 80's. We were forced to use our imaginations, had to come up with games to play outside or at least play ones that were around for a long time but has changed a little when my generation started playing them. There was no video game systems (at least at first), no home computers and not even cable. I only had 6 tv channels: channel 2, 13/3/31 (whichever it was in the area), channel 4, 7, 9 and PBS.

Our cartoons and kid shows were some that our parents grew up with and some were not; Bugs Bunny, Scooby-doo, Superfriends, Spider-Man, Batman, Mr Rogers, School house rock, electric company, sesame street, Tom and Jerry and more.

We didn't have cell phones so if we wanted to call home or if our parents wanted to get a hold of us, there was the friend's parents phones. Every phone had a cord until the 80's. Even for awhile there were no video tapes to watch your favorite movies. If you missed your favorite tv show, you were screwed. Toys were made so much better than what they are today. You had to use a payphone if you needed to make a call when you weren't home. You better made sure you had change, the right amount and extra for when time ran out and you had to put in more money.

You had to call the operator '0' to connect to the police, ambulance or firemen. You could also call a number to tell you the time. The operator had their hands full because they either connected you to any emergency person or helped you find a phone number or address to a place or person. We also had the yellow and white pages to look up numbers and addresses to people and businesses. 

If you wanted or needed to look up information on a state or animal, you had to go to the library and check out books or read an encyclopedia. You had to look up how to spell words in a dictionary. At the library, you had to search through index cards that had their books on file just so you could know if they carried that book.

There were pen pals that you could right to and have it take for ever for that letter to get to them through the mail and for you to get a response.

We would listen to our records all day and try to record our favorite songs from the radio hoping the DJ wouldn't talk over them. We could place more than one 45' on our record players at the same time with an arm holding them up then drop down one at a time when the 45' was done playing. We had to get up to change the channel on the tv and on our radios. We couldn't carry our music with us unless it was just a radio (at least for awhile).

We eventually got what was called walkman's and boom boxes. So now we could carry our favorite music with us. That was pretty cool to experience for the first time.

Then came the video games like Atari and Nintendo, VCR's and cable. I remember when VCR's first came out and the video store Blockbusters came to our area. VHS and Beta were in a war, VHS won. I thought it was the coolest thing to be able to rent or buy your favorite movies and watch them any time. 

Cable tv was freakin' awesome. There were just a few movie channels: HBO, Showtime, Playboy and at some point Cinamax. There were a few other channels but none too interesting to me. Then came Nickelodeon with tv shows like 'You can't do that on television' where they would slime people. At some point we got MTV were they played music videos. It was so cool to see your favorite artist bring their songs to life on the screen. The cable box was literally a box with buttons and you had to switch the buttons to the channel you wanted (see photo below). You got a cable tv guide in the mail that lasted for a month telling you what was going to be on the cable channels. I couldn't wait to go through it and marked which movies I wanted to discover for that month.

Mtv really kicked in when Michael Jackson came out with some really cool videos and took them to a different level. I used to watch Mtv all day, dancing and singing to my favorite songs. Other people tried to come up with other music channels like on the weekends there was Night Tracks late at night on one of the regular tv channels. Then came VH1 with their music videos all day long. I remember seeing 'Thriller' for the very first time. I got a rug burn on me knee because I skidded on the carpet trying to get to the front room in time when I heard it coming on.

When it came to video games, I never had an Atari but my mom's friend at the time would bring it over so I could play centipede. I eventually got the Nintendo and I still have it and it works. Since I couldn't play outside much due to my asthma, this was great for me. I would play for hours trying to beat my games. It sucked that I had to start all over again if I turned the game off because there was no such thing as saving your game.

At some point, remotes started to come about. No more getting up to turn on your tv, to change the channel or to operate the radio on your stereo. Another great invention. Cable finally got rid of their channel boxes and came out with their own remote. Now a household had at least 3 remotes because there was no universal remote. 

Cameras had film. There was the 110, 35mm and at some point Polaroid. The flashes on the cameras went from one flash cube that was done for with one shot to multiply flash bulbs that you had to attach to your camera. Once that set of flash bulbs were done, you had to get another flash bulb set. You only had a certain number of pictures you could take on each roll of film and you had to make sure you got the right kind of film for the right kind photos you were taking (like indoor, outdoor, sunny or nighttime). 200, 400 and 800 where the ones you had to know to get. You couldn't see your photos until you got them from the lab about a week later (until the instant camera came out). I remember when Kodak first came out with same day picture return then moved to 1 hour.

Fast forward to today. So much has changed in the 45 years I have been alive. I can't even imagine how my parents and grandparents (if they were still alive) feel seeing all the changes the world has gone through since they have been alive.

I didn't expect for this blog to be as long as it is. I just expected to write about living in the future. Then I realized I needed to start with the past. I now have to split this into 2 parts. This first part has come to an end but here is part 2: Click Here

I Love Living In The Future, The past Was Great Too Part 2

So now we live in the future. Records and tapes have turned into cd's. Albums are making a slow comeback but they are not as big back in the day. The cd's are now turning into all digital. You can't record from the radio but you can buy single songs for a buck (and some just steal the songs :/ ). You can carry your songs anywhere on an ipod (which are now becoming extinct) or just on your phone (phone stuff will come later). You used to be able to buy blank cd's to put pictures, music etc on but that too is going away. The parts I like: I can buy songs buy themselves for a buck and carry around a small device to listen to them. Cd's are way better than tapes. You can find almost any song to buy on the web, even rare and old ones. I hate; blank cd's are going away (I still use them for my photos and music I buy). I still want that physical copy especially if something happens to the devices, I still have the copy.

Video games have come a long way. I love that you can save your progress, there are story lines and the graphics are amazing. I wish they would re-boot the classics but make it to where you can save your progress. But then yet, that is part of the fun of the classics. The newer video games also let you have multi players even if the other players are in another country. How freakin' cool is that!

Cable tv has come a long way. There are so many channels that it's a little too much and there is still nothing good on. There are multiple movie channels which is great but at the same time, who needs that many? I love having remotes, that you can have 1 remote for both the tv and cable and we can record tv shows and even pause live tv. No more bulky video tapes but then you can't keep certain tv programs forever. There are tv shows on dvd's which is awesome especially the classic shows. 

One thing I don't like about the children's shows and channels, they are not as good as they used to be. The Disney channel used to be full over Disney cartoon both new and classics with a little mix of other stuff. I miss that. The different Mtv's and VH1's no longer show music videos except maybe real late at night and it's not even good ones. I miss the video channels.

Getting information is so much easier and quicker and looking to see if the library has a book is so much faster. I love being able to find out about practically anything just by punching a few key strokes. Some stuff might be wrong but the fact you can look up anything in seconds is amazing. Watching an old tv show and want to know what happened to them? Ask Google. Need to know the nearest location of your favorite store, eatery etc, look it up on the net. So much better than flipping through a phone book, trying to read the small words.

This brings me to the home computer and the Internet. There is so much good that has come out of a home computer, I don't even know where to start. You can watch movies and tv shows on-line, connect to your favorite star through twitter, facebook etc, talk to someone on the other side of the planet in real time, hell even do a video chat with someone so you can see them. Send messages/letters right away through email and have that person get it within seconds. Send and share photos with loved ones. The outlet to be creative is so big. You can post stories, poems, blogs, make videos. Film makers can make their stuff and put it on youtube. You can watch just about any music on youtube. I can go on about how great the Internet is but it's endless.

Of course there is a downside to the web that wouldn't be available if we lived like yesterday. On-line bullying, the deep web, scammers, easier to steal someone's info, endless child predators have more access and can share with each other. The web makes it easier for us to be assholes to each other.

The other good thing about the net, songs etc, there are more ways to get help with depression, suicide, to reach out to others when you are in pain, for strangers to be nice to one another in time of need, easier to donate money. There are more hot lines to call and a lot more songs about how one is special, strong and good. Famous people can reach out to their fans and even be there if a fan is going through something bad. There was none of that when I was growing up. I wish there was more positive out there when I was a kid, it could of helped me get through things.

Cameras today are so much better. You can take hundreds of photos before running out of space. You can see your photos right there to see if it came out and re-take it if it didn't. You can edit your photos on your computer and even add some cool effects. No more dealing with bulky flash bulbs (unless you are a pro but that doesn't count in this). No more dealing with the pesky rolls of film. No more worrying if the photo lab is going to lose or fuck up your photos.

Phones, oh my God have they come a long way. Just as little as 10-15 years ago phones have become more advance. You can carry one with you, take photos with it, get on-line with it and now you can even take a photo of your check to deposit it in the bank. At some stores (like Sam's club), you can scan your items as you put them in the cart, pay for it from your phone and walk out with a receipt on your phone. No waiting in long as lines. You can also have a device attached to your phone to swipe someone's credit/debit card if they are buying something from you. How freaking cool is that! 

The past was pretty cool and in someways better but the future is pretty awesome. So much can happen that couldn't be done before. There is the bad but bad will always come with the good. Can't wait to see what is in the near and distance future (also kinda scared of some of it). As things get better and easier, it comes with a price where we also have to do more to protect ourselves. 

Sometimes things happen when I am out and about in the world and I just sit there and go, "damn, I love living in the future."

Abandoned Places

I love abandoned places. They way they look, what's left behind and the history/story. They also make for great photos. Unfortunately I don't know of many places that are like that around where I live. Colorado likes to take care of their empty buildings and the ones that vacant, tend to have a fence around them and a no trespassing sign. I understand why but sometimes it frustrating.

It can also be dangerous to explore these areas for different reasons. I'd still do it though. It's sad that a building or house just sits there with nothing going on when that space can be used but at the same, I think sometimes they just need to sit there. They tell a story even if one is made up by the viewer. When a lot of things are left behind, I often wonder why. What was the rush? Why couldn't they take everything? Like the buildings themselves, the stuff can just sit there and rot away instead of being put to good use by someone else. At the same time, it helps tell the story of the place and makes it that much more interesting. 

I wish I knew of some places I could go to. Hell I wish I knew a photographer that had a car and I felt comfortable with to check out these places (and other "normal" places) and do some photography both during the day and night. I just them beautiful. I guess for now I will just have to stick to seeing photos from other photographers and youtube videos.

The Wiz, Star Wars & Superman - The 3 Movies That Blew Me Away

A lot of people talk about how that one movie they saw when they were a kid, made an impact in their lives in some way or just blew them away. There are three movies that blew me away when I first saw them. They didn't really change me, I just got lost in them and made me go "WOW".

The Wiz - My dad is a huge Diana Ross and old Motown fan. I grew up listening to them including Michael Jackson. He found out they re-made 'The Wizard Of Oz' with all black cast called 'The Wiz'. A lot of famous people are in that movie including Diana Ross and Michael Jackson. Knowing I was into MJ, my dad and mom took me to see the movie in theaters. I got lost in the movie and was blown away by the performances everyone did. This was also when I found out MJ was real. I can't believe I'm about to admit this but when I was a kid and MJ's album 'Off The Wall' came out, I didn't think he was real. I have no clue why I thought weird things like this but I did. I thought it was somebody else singing pretending to be MJ. Anyways, I thought the movie and acting was very powerful. The parts with the munchkins dancing and towards the end when everyone was singing 'Brand new day', I wanted to dance like they were. The wicked witch was a little scary for me but my dad made it less scary with some words. During the start when Dorthy was introduced, I knew how she was feeling and during the end during the very powerful performance by Diana Ross, It made me cry and still does. Till' this day, I think that was her best performance ever. I still love the movie just as much as when I first saw it and I still get some of those same feelings I did when I was a kid.

Star Wars #4 - My dad was friends with this guy who had a couple of kids that would visit him almost every weekend. This guy lived in the same apartments as we did. I have been to the movies with them a few times. I think this was the first time I went with them. When I first heard about it, I didn't think I would like it. Boy was I wrong. Once again I was lost in the movie and amazed at what was in front of me. I never saw special effects like that, C3PO and R2D2 were funny and I had a crush on Chewy. Yes I said it. I was a little, what do you expect? lol I just feel in love with the movie. I ended up get the album soundtrack but when I got older, I got rid of it! I'm kicking myself now for doing that. I also had a Darth Vader action figure but I chewed on the lightsaber till it was almost nothing. I really was a weird kid. Now, I still love the movies (4, 5 and 6). I like episodes 1, 2 and 3 but they don't do it for me like the older ones. Part of it is a childhood thing. I am such a nerd and want 'Star Wars' toys. I do have a 32" Darth Vader and a potato head Vader. I need more :P I can't wait for the new one.

Superman - I didn't see this in theaters but I wish I did. My parents went to a friends house and took me with them. They were about to watch the 'Superman' movie on tv. It was the first time it was shown on tv. I didn't know about comic books but I did watch the Spider-Man cartoon on tv every weekend, the Batman tv show and Superfriends. At first I was kinda bored but when Lois fell out of the helicopter and Superman saved her, I was hooked. I thought Christopher Reeve was handsome with those blue eyes. I still think he is/was. Now that I am older, I see the wrong things in any Superman movie/tv but I still very much enjoy them. That night what I thought would be a boring night, turn into a very entertaining one.

These movie are awesome classics. They didn't change my life but I was very much fascinated with them. 'The Wiz' was the closest that made me feel the things I was feeling in my life at the time so I guess it made me feel like I wasn't alone. Even though the other two didn't touch me emotionally like 'The Wiz', they are still a big part of my life in other ways. 

Social Anxiety

Social anxiety is evil and effects thousands of people. It comes in different forms and in different levels. It can trick outsiders into thinking the person that suffers from it is rude, anti-social (by choice), doesn't care, weird and so on. It makes "outsiders" feel uncomfortable, not knowing how to react which also makes the person with SA feel even more uncomfortable. It can stop some people from even going outside, not being able to do something simple that we take for granted like going to a store. 

It makes one feel alone, isolated, bad about themselves, feel like they don't fit in, not good enough, feeling like no one cares and that doesn't include when the anxiety kicks in. Once it kicks in, it can feel overwhelming to the point of tears, claustrophobic, can't breath, maybe even like one is going to loose their mind.  Everyone that has SA, experience different things but one thing is for sure, it can be complete hell.

The fears are not rational but they are VERY real and there. One can't just "get over it" or "just do it". To the "average" person, it can seem like a person with SA is being dramatic and they just can't understand what one is going through. It makes it hard for one to make friends. It's a very hard and scary battle.

The reason why I am talking about this and why I know about it is because I have social anxiety. I never knew I had it until late last year. Looking back at my life, I can tell you that I have had it all my life. I thought it was just being shy but come to find out, it's more than that. Now that I know what it is, in some ways it makes it easier to deal with. In other ways, it's just the same but VERY frustrating. Different people get it from different experiences. I know where mine came from.

I was surrounded by a lot of negativity. I had positive stuff/people in my life but it seemed like the negative out weighed the positive. I'm sure it didn't but to a kid, it can seem that way. I was pushed aside, not a lot of people interacting with me (and to a child this is important), made fun of, threatened, called names, made to feel stupid and that I wasn't worth people's time. Even by teachers and my school. I didn't get a good education and this adds to the anxiety. I did have a few friends in school (some I even have re-connected with today) and to those, I send thanks for giving me a chance. For not judging and seeing something in me that for some reason others did not.

 By the time I was a teen, I wasn't being bullied (except for a little in gym class) but the damage was already done. I did try for drama class to prove to myself that I could do something like that even though it was hard. By almost everyone around me, I was asked why was I doing it, saying I was too shy and saying I wouldn't make it. I did it and I made it but it was difficult. I just didn't have the confidence. 

Fast forward to today. I can go out in public, I can apply for jobs and work. It's chatting with people - web or in person (in a social environment), talking on the phone and  sometimes leaving comments on the web is what I have problems with. It doesn't matter if it's family, friends or people I hardly know, it's all the same.  I do go through some of those things stated above. It's almost a daily battle. Running into some of the same situations when I was a kid doesn't help. 

I have a hard time saying things, not knowing what to say or how to communicate, afraid I am going to be cast aside since I was a lot when I was a kid and the list goes on. I become overwhelmed at times. I have a hard time with the simplest things. So if I don't talk much, say something that might come off a certain way or even talk to much about myself, it's because of what I constantly feel/go through. I really do try to learn how to talk to people, to put myself out there and to just relax and to be me. I am writing and posting this in case others are going through it and to explain why I don't talk much. Yes I don't need to explain myself to people but at the same time, I want to express who I am. To say this is me and this is why. To let others know that I do like to have fun etc, I just have things I'm going through. 

Coming Out In My Family

I usually don't like to go deep into my personal life over the internet but I feel the need to do this. The topic 'gay' has been hot for awhile and continues. It's a good thing though; the more we talk about it, the more the issue the world has with it can be dealt with.

My parents split up when I was about 10 years old. I didn't understand why. When I was around 11 (I think) is when I found out why. He sat me down and told me he was gay. I don't remember the entire conversation. At the time, rumors were going around that Michael Jackson was gay. I never cared if he was or wasn't. So when he sat me down, he said "Your mom told me that you don't care if Michael Jackson is gay." I told him I didn't care and something along the lines of because he is still a human being, it's who he is etc. My parents taught me to treat everyone with respect no matter color, size, religion, rich or poor etc etc. Then he said ".....I'm gay". I don't remember the words before it. 

I broke down and cried and hugged him. I knew the world didn't accept people who were gay and I remember hearing stories of people getting beat up or killed just because they were "different". This scared me. Because of people being so cruel, I didn't want my dad to be gay, not because I thought there was something wrong with it. I was also being bullied at school (most of my entire elementary school years) so I was also scared that the kids at school would find out and bully me even more. I was scared of what people thought.

At some point I made the decision to tell the friends I did have. I don't know why but I felt I had to tell them. I was terrified. I thought they would not want to be my friend anymore. If I lost them, I would have no one. I can only imagine that this is what it must be like for someone coming out. Thank God my friends didn't care. I am very thankful for their support. Their parents didn't care either. 

Since I was 11, I didn't understand relationships, straight or gay. I knew my dad didn't chose to be gay. I think I was still confused about things. I didn't want anyone to know outside of who already did. My dad met a guy. He was one of the sweetest people you could ever meet. He accepted my sister and I. Anytime all of us went anywhere, I would wonder if people knew. Were they judging? What did they think? Would we be kicked out of places? My dad ended up getting married to this guy (I will leave his name out). I didn't attend because I was living in Colorado. The marriage wasn't legal at the time. Unfortunately my step-dad passed away before they could marry legally. I never really got to know him they way I wish I could have. I was shy and always concerned about others around me. I think I was uneasy because I knew people around me were. It took me a long time to not give a crap what others think.

My dad told his family except his mom. He grew up in a religious family. His mom probably would have been very upset and maybe not want anything to do with him. She was also old and I think my dad just didn't want to upset her. I don't think I truly know why he didn't tell his mom. Maybe because he wanted to keep her in his life. In order to do so, he hid himself from his mom. She knew his husband but only as a friend. I know this hurt him.

Jump several years into the future. I'm married with two step sons. We've always told them that we didn't care if they were gay, straight, bi etc. We would still love them just as much. My oldest one day sat on the couch and we started talking about different things. Then he just came out and said "I'm bi and I am dating a guy." All I said was "ok." We talked a little more and that was it. He said even though we told him we didn't care, he still had a hard time telling me/us. He still thought we would throw him out. 

When I hear of stories of parents disowning their children because they are gay, it pisses me off. I can't understand how a parent, their flesh and blood, toss their kid out like yesterday's trash just because they like the same sex. Whatever happened to unconditional love? A parent will never like some of the things their kids do or their choices in life. A parent doesn't have to like that their child is gay (and even think it's wrong) but can still keep them in their lives and love them. NOTHING will get me to disown my kids and I didn't even give birth to them. I just don't get it.

I still get scared for my dad's and son's life sometimes (and for anybody else that I care about that are gay). I don't go around announcing to everyone they are gay but I don't hide it either. I am in more of acceptance of where I come from, of who I am. I really hope one day nobody will have to come out. I hope it will no longer matter who someone gets married to or sleeps with. That we can just learn to let people live their own lives and stop the stupid things that go around about people who are gay. I hope there will no longer be labels for people. That everyone everywhere can be treated equally (well in some countries women I think will never be treated equal but I think you get what I mean).

In the end, people are people. It doesn't matter where one comes from, rich, poor, different colors and religions, gay, straight, bi or transgender. We are still all humans. Even if you think it's unnatural, disgusting, a sin or what have you, we're still all human and need to be treated with respect. No one has to like what others do but who's business is it how someone lives? Who's business is it if someone "commits a sin"? We should be allowed to live a happy life and the way we want. Would you want someone to judge you? To treat you like crap because of who you are? To beat the crap out of you just because you live a different life than others? 

So this is my story of coming out in my family. My thoughts and feelings. I want to thank everyone who has accepted me after knowing about my dad and son. Thank you to my family who have accepted my dad. Without your support, his life would have been hell and lord knows how things would have turned out. My love, heart and positive energy to everyone who has a story like mine, who has struggled or is struggling with themselves. xo

The Best Fan Club

Fan clubs, they have been around for a very long time. Back in the day, one would join a fan club and write to their favorite star, they would in return get newsletters, contest to enter and maybe a "signed" photo. Sometimes you might even get other little things that would make a kid and/or teen heart pound with excitement  Getting that special thing just for them, from their star was just the best thing ever. 

I remember those days. I myself was in a few; Donny and Marie Osmond (hey I was a little kid), Michael Jackson (newsletters and a certificate) and New Kids On The Block (a "signed" photo, a membership card, a birthday card every year, newsletters etc). Even though it was "meaningless" things, it would brighten up my day. For those few moments, my worries, fears and bad days of a bullied insecure girl were washed away. Never in my wildest dreams would I think that when I grew up, I could still be in a fan club and get even more out of it than I did when I was a kid.

Things have changed A LOT since the 70's - 80's. Today, fan clubs are online.  To get updates on your favorite star (sports person etc), all you have to do is follow them on twitter, facebook and other social medias. Fan clubs online are pretty much like they used to be back in the day except you get your info, join contest etc right away. There is only one that I have joined since being an adult and I am more than happy that I did (more on that later).

I really don't know much about what goes on in other fan clubs but by reading about the FC, I can tell they are your average fan club. The only difference is, you get to interact with other fans. This can actually be great a thing. Talking with people from other parts of the world, meeting new people who share the same interest and maybe even making new friends. Those things are priceless. It's what you get out of one that really matters.

That being said, the way some of the fan clubs are being run is not so great. Different clubs do different things that make it not so great. There is one fan club though that I personally love, think it's the best and will never forget. Darren Hayes.

If you don't know who he is, here is a run down: In the 90's there was a band called Savage Garden. They had hits like, 'Truly, Madly, Deeply' and 'I knew I love you'. Darren was the singer. After the break up shortly after their second album, Darren went on to do his own music. He's made four amazing albums and one digital side project that just recently was released on CD.

I have been a fan since the 90's. Didn't know he went solo until 2007 (see an older blog about this journey click here). When I re-discovered him, I fell in love with his music all over again. I couldn't join his fan club when I found out there was one. I could be wrong but I believe I joined the club in 2009.  I am so glad I did.

I had no idea what to expect. This might sound crazy but I was also nervous and a little scared. Nervous and scared to join a fan club? Yes. I have social anxiety although I just recently discovered this and just thought I was really shy. The thought of interacting with anybody can really scare me. Knowing this, I not only just wanted to join his fan club but I HAD to join. 

Everyone there welcomed me and was very nice. I knew some people from myspace so that made it a little easier.  It was like going to the first day of school (without the bullying) and seeing a few people from the year before and not knowing others. 

I have now been there for about four years. Even though it has been a short time, the FC has meant a lot to me for different reasons. It's a family. A lot of us understands where each one comes from, having similar backgrounds. If one needs to vent happy, sad, fear etc, we know there is always someone there to listen. As scared as I have been, I have been able to push myself and go out of my comfort zone. That alone has been a ride.

The people that run the FC including Darren's sister, has been amazing. They work really hard, have done an awesome job and I very much appreciate it. Everyone is so sweet. Darren, the person that brought us together. I just can't say enough how thankful I am. He is one of us. He is down to earth, very funny, caring, understanding and is willing to listen when we need to talk. He is an inspiration and a beautiful person inside and out. He is more like a friend than someone who is in the public eye if that makes sense. Sometimes it is very hard for me to get the right words out. I don't think I would be the person I am if I didn't have the awesome experiences in the FC. 

For me, it's not a FC, it's another family. When it closes, I will miss it. I know there still will be something there, I will still be able to talk to some of the people I have gotten to know and Darren will still be around but it won't be quite the same. I am very thankful and grateful for time spent there and everything that came with it.

I know everyone not only needs a break but deserves one. I wish everyone who has helped run the FC and all the fans the very best. I can't what what's to come for 2014. Darren, I hope your new dreams will come true. Thank you for everything you do. You are really an amazing guy.

Here's to the past and the future with new and different journeys.

Random

Wow, three blogs in one day. Well two and a half to be exact. One of the things I like to do in my spare time is writing (hence my blog page, poems and stories). Lately, I am lacking in poems. It sucks. I have all these different topics I want to write poems about but no material comes from it. I miss writing poems. 

 I did recently finish a couple of stories but I wrote them for a certain someone so I won't be posting those. Sorry. I might in the future but for the time being, they stay private. I have been slowly working on a paranormal story. It's going to be the longest story I've written so far. It started with a nightmare. When I woke up, I knew I had to make a story from it so I jot it down before I forgot it. Now I am creating a story around that dream with the story ending with the nightmare I had. There should only be about eight chapters. I am working on chapter two and have notes on all chapters. I have never done anything that is extreme and this is going to take a lot out of me but I can't wait to finish it. I also started another kids story. I wrote notes/rough draft and now just need to put it together. My paranormal story will have two or three parts.

I am still trying to find a job. Can I please go back to when getting a job was easier? Wait, if that happens then I will be a teen again and I don't want that. I just want it to be easier to get a freakin' job. I have no idea what the rest of this year will bring my family and I, well nobody really does. I just really hope our financials are able to get better and without moving. No matter how frustrated I get about things, I feel lucky to have the kind of husband that I have, a warm place to live, clothes, food and all that mushy stuff.  In the end, that's all that matters. 

I have recently signed up at this one web site called fineartamerica.com and started selling my photos (well trying at least). Problem is, there is so many people trying their stuff, I am just a grain of sand on a beach. Since I can only do the free account, I can only sell 25 photos at a time but put up on the site as many as I want. It's only $30 for a year and I would be able to sell an unlimited amount and be able to do a few other things but right now I need that $30 to eat. It would be nice to one day join and to have my photos start selling. We'll see what happens. 

I guess that is all the rambles I have going on inside my little brain. Take care. :)

Job Applying Questions - A Bad Thing

Whatever happened to the simple ways of applying for a job? Talking with someone face to face about getting one & not dealing with questions that makes your head hurt? I guess I can understand doing applications on-line. Less paper, easier when looking on-line for a job etc but the questions that come with it especially for crap jobs like fast food & retail is just insane. They shouldn't be allowed to do so.

The questions don't prove anything. A lot of the questions are repeated, not always job related, neutral questions & just a waste of time. It makes it so much harder to get a job this way or to even get a foot in the door. No wonder some people have such a hard time getting a simple job.  What makes it worse is that there are at least 12 or more pages with the stupid psych questions. I mean really?! 

You can still find some companies that have paper apps but hardly. I've even run into some with math type questions. These days the only thing you need to know is how to count change back. Even that is done for you by most registers these days.  I've heard that in some places, companies are not allowed to do this. I think it should be everywhere.  People are being screwed by this; hardworking people. I'm not really sure what can done about it if anything but I do know that I am fed up with this crap. I would just not apply to those places but when just about every company out there (even fast food) is doing this, I & others like me don't have a choice.

Missing the writing

I so miss writing. Since the move, it has been so hard to get back into writing anything. I am usually thinking how I need to get a job, having stupid allergy/sinus issues or just other normal everyday life things. All of this is clogging my brain and things are not coming to me like they used too.

I am hoping I can get back into the swing of things like it was before everything in life started happening at once taking up my time. I am slowly writing a Christmas story. I was hoping I would have it done by Christmas but it looks like it won't be done until after. I have written a few poems, done some photography but haven't published them anywhere but my FB page and after this little blog, I will be post another about something that is in my head. I haven't even watched that many movies to do a review on them.

I just wanted stop by to say hi and why I have stopped posting things. Hope every one is good and Happy Holidays to everyone!

Saying Goodbye To Part Of A Life

I was going to stay off the blogs until I moved but something came to mind which means I must write about it. :P

Saying goodbye to a place of 10 yrs. 10 yrs of memories. Of the good & the bad. It went by pretty fast. So fast it's scary. It's funny how one can be so ready to leave & yet sad. 10 yrs is a lot of stuff. A lot of feelings. Exploring the neighborhood, getting our first family dog, loosing our first family dog, getting another cat & loosing him who happens to be buried in the backyard. I don't want to leave him but he is probably ashes. Still......

Watching my kids grow up, having my mom out here for the first time, loosing a baby, our financials going up & down and loosing 4 different business all for different reasons. Having both my 10 yr anniversary & my 15th. So many things happened. We never think about these, we just continue to do what we do.

Taking a few mins to take a look back at everything can be mind blowing. It then hits you just how time really does fly. How lives change, how everything changes all in a short amount of time. 10 yrs is not so short of a time but the fact that it goes by so fast, it really is short. It lets you know just how precious life & time really is. This is the first house my husband & I bought together. It's funny how something like a house can mean so much.

So long house. I will cherish the memories. Here is to a new journey. Another 10 + yrs. To building more & different memories.

Going to be a bit

It's going to be a little bit before I can get back on here with more blogging. I am in the middle of moving & don't know when I will have things set back up & a little time. Hope to be back on here soon. Take care everyone. :-)

A new chapter

This past month I have been kinda quiet. Things are changing & it's hard to find time & calmness to get my thoughts out. This month we were finally told that we have to leave the house. We have/had a month. We thought we would be able to live where our bankruptcy lawyer used to live but there was miscommunication & it got rented out to someone else. Then we tried a mobile community that we have been looking at for awhile. They didn't accept us because of the bankruptcy. So we have been stuck.

A lot of places won't take us because we just filed & it just closed. We have tried to see if there is a list that we can get for people who have recently went through a bankruptcy & who need a place to live. All we find are people/companies that want money for the list. We keep getting told our situation won't be a problem but then it is. We are very honest & upfront with people when looking for a place. It is very frustrating especially since we have to be out in a couple of weeks. We are running out of time.

We do have enough money to move, have enough to pay a monthly rent. We were just dealt a bad hand that caused us to go into the bankruptcy. We are so ready for the next chapter in our lives. Once we do get settled, my husband will try to get a second job. I will try to find a job. I may even look into getting a street legal scooter to help me get around. It's cheaper than a car & I don't have to have a license if it's under 50 mph. I just have to learn how to drive & pray nothing happens to me when I am driving it. Frankly I am scared of driving because of the bad drivers out there (that is another story). 

We may have help from one of my cousins but I don't know how much he will be able to help because of our credit. My God we just need a place that isn't crappy or in a crappy neighbourhood. UGH! There has to be something out there for people like us but where? It's hard to find them when the internet is saturated with scammers. I will just be glad to finally get a place & start new. A new chapter. A new journey.

My Mask

This blog is going to be a very personal. I got the idea to write about my mask, a mask that people wear, from a Darren Hayes' song & video 'Stupid Mistake' also from things he has said about it. I don't normally open myself up like this but maybe someone else will see this that is going through the same thing & won't feel so alone, so here it goes.


I've worn my mask all my life. Only showing myself to the few. Why have I put one one? I was picked on & bullied at school and where I lived. Even by a couple of teachers. I was made to feel stupid & slow by my peers & my school. Telling me I had a learning disability when all I needed was a little extra help. Spending everyday at recess alone, sitting up against the wall. Dodge ball was hell. I was left to fend for myself (learning wise)in the 7th grade by placing me back in 6th because the 7th grade class was to full(at the time my elementary went from K-7 and high school 8-12). I never got that 7th grade education. I was always cast aside even by my older cousins because they were teens & didn't want a little kid around. I so get it now & don't hold it against them but the damage was done since I didn't get it then. I was constantly made to feel there was something wrong with me.I never went to my prom & only the creepy guys showed interest in me. I almost had a boyfriend when I was 17 but he left because I barley spoke. I had my mask on, to scared, embarrassed, had to protect myself.


As I slowly remove the mask, I find myself making mistakes. Mistakes that sometimes shows something I'm really not without meaning to. Not knowing how to express myself, feeling relaxed enough to just be me, to just communicate. I try my best, feeling scared, always questioning myself. Wondering if what I'm saying is stupid, boring, to weird, drama, to much about me or just wrong. When trying to not question myself & just do, is when I sometimes make those bad mistakes, not realizing it until after. It being to late, just want to hide with embarrassment.


For some, being behind the mask makes them be someone they are not. For me it's different. It is more of a protection. I am never fake. Just revealing small pieces of me while hiding the rest. Finding it overwhelming to say the simplest things, mind goes blank only to sometimes come up with something way after the conversation is over. Sometimes I babble which can be just as bad. Being in a group of people, I am the one who sits behind the glass wall. Watching everyone else. With one person that I don't know well, I still have my mask on. My "protection" mask. What comes so natural and easy to most, is very difficult for me.


I try not to be so afraid to take it off even just a little. I try to just go with it. If I think to much about it, I will talk myself out of things. When I try not to do that, again that's when the big mistakes happen. When it's off, I feel naked & vulnerable. Seeing my reflection without it isn't good either (that is another "story"). Trying to peel it away until it's gone is one of the most hardest & scariest things ever. No one wants to feel alone, lost, just there, pushed aside or judged. Yet  we feel it behind our mask. Whenever I try to reveal myself even just a little, most of the time it doesn't work. My mask holds me back. Today for this blog, I have taken off my mask.

Halloween

Ahhh Halloween, the time of year to dress up, have costume parties, get candy and turning your house into a haunted one or just going to a commercial one. Don't forget pumpkin carving and horror movies on tv.

It's funny how we teach our kids to not take candy from strangers and not to beg yet for one night a year, that is exactly what happens. I like Halloween. I love seeing the cute kids in their cute costumes. Dressing up is fun too. Some day I want to decorate my house really spooky and have kids go through it to get their candy at the end. I also love Halloween decorations.

Some of the costumes I have had through out my life: a lion, devil, punk rocker, a baby, hobo, cheerleader, 50's girl with a puddle skirt, a playboy bunny and a hooker when I was 18. Eighteen was my last year trick or treating. I just had so much fun that I didn't want to stop. When I was a hooker, I had fish net stockings (I think), a guarder, my black tight dress that I made shorter and a red feather boa. I felt kinda naked but it was still fun. There were others things too and I still would like to dress up when I can.

One thing I miss are pumpkin patches. When I was a kid, I can remember going to them and just in aww with all the pumpkins that were everywhere. Trying to find that perfect pumpkin was like trying to find that perfect Christmas tree. Now, where I live, it's hard to find a real pumpkin patch. You have all these small areas of land with probably about 50 pumpkins and call them patches. : / You have to drive a long ways to find one. There needs to be thousands of pumpkins, hay rides, haunted train rides & houses for both kids and adults, a graveyard, colored corn, face painting etc. Also be open at night. Now that's a pumpkin patch. Oh and this patch should be closer to town instead of out in the middle of nowhere.

As for haunted houss, I love the creativity that are put into them. I personally can't go into one because my asthma acts up. Having people looking like something from a horror movie coming after you or acting like it can really get the heart pumping. Eighteen years ago I did try to go into one but couldn't finish. People getting in my face etc isn't my thing and can't stop having asthma problems.

Do you have any stories? What were some of your costumes & your favorite?

Excited, Scary and Frustrating

For about a week, we have had the pizza place open. It has been so many emotions wrapped into one. For a good part, bored we have been. Since nobody really knows we are there yet, we haven't had much sales. Every once in awhile I stand out by the street waving a sign to try and get people's attention. It has brought in some. We now are going to have a direct mail go out on the 13th that will reach a huge area. We may even print up some flyers and door hang.

Right now the only people we have working at the store are my husband, me, our oldest son & his boyfriend, a friend of ours that we got to know & work with when we had the comic book store and an actual lady we hired who started today. We are going to have another driver that starts on Monday. 

Right now we don't have a full menu because we ran out of money due to starting late because of the first store front stalling (see previous blog 'End of one journey start of another') which is hurting us some. There is another Pudge Brothers that has our delivery area along with theirs until we really get going. They are supposed to be transferring calls to us if it's just pizza but sometimes they send us people from their area and I am sure not sending us some of our customers but not on purpose. We now almost have a reg. menu going. The things we still need: wings (which we are getting tomorrow), salad stuff, stuff for Cinnamon & reg. bread sticks and a few different toppings for pizzas like the chicken pizzas etc, oh and banana peppers, artichokes & green olives. We also need to get more containers with lids, a couple of small stainless steel tables and a computer system. There are other things too like seating etc for the front of the store but those things are not needed to actually run a place. Pudge Brothers carries so many other foods that we will also start carrying when we can. They even do hamburgers & fries!

I have never made pizzas before except for mini ones etc at home where the crust is already made (or by using hamburger buns) and at Subway but again the crust is already made. I am starting to get the hang of it. The hardest thing is working with the dough. It starts out in a round ball like and you have to stretch etc to get the shape of the pizza. Man is it hard. Michael is teaching me & working with me every step of the way since he knows how to do pizzas. 

Even though we have only been open for a week, we have already had to deal with a couple of annoying people. I hate this part of fast food. At least with the book store we only had 1 real rude customer in one year. Last week someone called the store for a pizza but after taking the order, we discovered that it wasn't in our area. So Michael calls the other one that is "working with us" to transfer the order. Someone on that end didn't do their job. Not only did the husband called us back twice but his wife called us once also. They were complaining about not getting their food, was told the other place didn't get the order : / etc. Michael tried to explain things to them but for some reason they didn't get the fact that we couldn't deliver to them & they were not our customer. They even said that they will not order from us again. Michael clearly said that we couldn't anyways. They still didn't get it! They were even raising their voice.

Last night (Thursday) while Michael was on a run, someone called, I took the order then called Michael on his cell to see if it was for us or the other place. He wasn't sure so I had to wait until he got back which was about 5 min give or take. When he realized it wasn't for us, he called the other place to transfer the order. Now this kind of thing happens all the time at every pizza place, it's not a huge deal. The other place had a delivery time of a little more than 1 hr. The customer did not like this. Again they called us to bitch us out. Michael tried to explain things once again and again they didn't get it. Again the wife calls too and she starts yelling at Michael. He tried to explain things to her but she also didn't get it. The guy calls back once again as well. Same story as the first time but doesn't end there.

Today the lady calls yet again still wanting to bitch. Seriously the next day bitching about a pizza?!? She is yelling and cussing at Michael and still can't understand that we can't deliver to her, she is not our customer and we transferred it. They didn't like that it took so long for it to get transferred and then had to wait even longer for the pizza. We get that but seriously acting like this over it is unnecessary. When she wouldn't listen or stop, Michael told her she had to stop calling us or he would report her to the police for harassment. She dared him basically. She ended up calling the Pudge Brothers company. For some reason instead of letting it go, the guy that helps run the company got mad and calls Michael. So now Michael and this guy are getting into it. It was a simple mistake that happens all the time and for some reason everyone acts like it's the end of the world over freakin' pizza. 


I so hope we don't have to go through this every time there is a problem. People make mistakes. Yes it's annoying and all but still to carry it over to the next day and have that kind of attitude is uncalled for. For now things are worked out but man it bugs us to no end how this all played out. Anyways, it is late so I must go. I just needed to get everything out. Our sales have picked up some since we are now on the Pudge Brothers web site. We just need to be able to hang on and get through this rough patch so things can hopefully really kick in. I miss talking to everyone. We don't have internet yet at the store so I am not able to get on until late at night when I get home. Take care and hope everyone is good. Big hugs. xo

14th anniversary

Hey everyone. It's hard to believe that I have been married for 14 yrs already. Time really does go by fast. My marriage is better than ever. Or coarse we have our days just like any couple and marriage but talking, laughter  and respect are key things to make any relationship work and that is what we have. I have an awesome hubby even though there are times he drives me crazy. I am so lucky to have him in my life. I can't wait to spend many more years with him.

Since we don't have the book store, I was hoping we could actual do something today. We couldn't do what I would have liked which was go to something called Garden Of The Gods and 7 falls. One, the car isn't in good shape to be driving all that way (it's a long ass drive) and we didn't want to get stuck somewhere. Two, I slept in late because I haven't been getting enough sleep these past few days and three, we are still trying to figure out what is going on with the pizza place (I think I've blogged about it recently called end of one journey and start of another). We did however went to the comic book store that we love to go to (they have one of the cutest dogs) and we got some comics. My stack was bigger and I could have gotten a lot more since I am missing a lot of older issues. Then we went to McDonalds for lunch, saw 'Cowboys vs Aliens' (good movie by the way will blog about it in my review section)and then had dinner at TGI Fridays. I am so full.

That was my day. Even though we couldn't do exactly what I wanted, I am still glad I spent it with my hubby and that I have him by my side. That's all that matters.

End Of One Journey, Start Of Another

So much has been going on this month, especially this weekend. Having the book store has been a blast. Lost of hard work, some lazy days, tiring, some struggles but still had fun (even dealing with the lazy people and the kids destroying the kids area to no end). Last year we got a little behind during the really slow periods and expected to get caught up in Dec. When Dec. came, we did not do holiday sales which made it hard to get things caught up. We were working on it and even told the mall people that during the summer, we would have everything caught up. They agreed to let us do this. Our sales started to pick up especially in June. We were hitting record sales. Apartments are being built right across from where the store is ad couldn't wait to get business from there as well. Then we got the news.


We were told someone else wanted our spot and we needed to move. The people that want our spot can and will obviously be able to pay more rent than we can. We could have just moved to another spot in the mall but all of the empty spaces are not built. Meaning, there is an outer shell but inside the walls, floors, widows, doors etc are not there. Completely hollow. We so don't have the money to build up a place and since I guess the other business didn't want to (or couldn't) fork over the money to build a place. So naturally they came and ate us. We had until the end of July.


We decided to keep the store open, tell our customers, take the money we make and invest it into another business. Pizza. My husband knows pizza better than ANYTHING (job wise people  ), knows how to run one and make money doing it. Plus we wouldn't have to worry about digital pizza taking over (or do we  hehe). There is a empty pizza place right by our house. It used to be a Pudge Brothers. The guy that used to have it, got stupid with his money and had to close it. We basically got handed this place for free. We are all ready to go with the company. Even the web site and flyers are ready and waiting for us to open. The people we are now having to deal with are the leasing of the store front. Everything has been going good about both things until we hit the last few days of July. Here is where gets crazy.


The company that does the leasing at the shopping center where the pizza place is, is stationed in CA. They have an accountant to handle things here in CO. They told their accountant that everything was ok, we were good to go and to collect the money and get the copies of the lease signed. We do all of that and so happy and scared. The lease gets signed and mailed to CA. Now they are saying they need to check my husband's financing again! They already approved us and made a verbal agreement! So now we don't know what's going on with this place. We are looking at other Pudge Brothers that are for sale as a back up plan. If these people for some reason go back on their agreement, we are going to sue them. Simply because there was a verbal agreement, everything was already checked out, we signed the lease and wrote the check. They haven't cashed it. We do plan on trying to re-open the book store but after we have a little more money or if we just can't get this pizza thing going right now. 


As for the book store. The original owners of it are still involved because we didn't have the money to just buy it from them so we were making payments on top of the rent etc. They said they wanted to take as much as they could to their house. We were happy about that. They wanted us to start tearing down the store before 6pm (we were staying open until 6pm Sunday the mall hours to make money). My hubby told them no, we were not going to close and loose the money that we needed. That was one conflict. We staid open till 6, they weren't happy. They wanted the back computer so I deleted all my stuff from it, they decided they didn't want it because it no longer had the store program on it.  There were other little things here ad there but meh whatever. They had something to do so couldn't stay after 6 (I think the wife had to work). They took a lot but not nearly as much as we thought they would or hoped. So now we were left with more than half the store. 


We did what we could n' boxing up the books and started tearing down the shelves. We ran out (there were 300 boxes!) so we had to stop. When we went to go grab more boxes from a box warehouse, no one was there and we were already running behind. The Uhal we rented didn't have a ramp so it made things harder. We had to start putting books in bags. We had a ton of them. We even used garbage bags. My 2 sons, my oldest son's friend and a mall helper started working our butts off trying to et things done. There was a verbal agreement to be out by 5 on Monday but then the mall manager left an email saying 3. We thought we could be out by 5 maybe a little later. Little did we know that with all the little crap that happened, it slowed us down. We were there until after 11pm and still didn't finish. We were about 65% done. We physically couldn't do any more work. We did mange to get 100 more boxes. 


The next day (today Tuesday), my hubby sent an email to the mall manager explaining that we still had stuff there etc etc. He didn't go into all the details. She sends one back we need to get our people there TODAY and get the stuff out and was upset because of the agreement that was made. My hubby then told here we don't have "people", it's just us 2. She wanted the keys. She was so pissy about everything too. We have not had any good dealings with her in the past. Luckily we got the important stuff but still, how very fucking annoying. I can understand that there is another store waiting and there was an agreement made but things happen, we are not robots and there is only 2 of us. We were willing to get the place cleaned out things out of there in a few days but she can't just wanted the keys. I so hate it when people like that don't understand how business are done especially small ones. 


So that is the whole story. We got things done but there were those ruff patches. It could have been worse but I am still very annoyed about how it all played out.  I will keep everyone updated about the pizza place that wants to know. Thanks for listening to my rambles.
                      -Me

Silly wishes and hopes

Everyone has silly wishes and hopes, some are not so silly. We all want to do things in life, some may be a bit far out there but we can still dream. Sometimes I think about these things and so I thought I would blog about it.

I am fascinated by the paranormal. There are some things that are really hard for me to grasp but other things I do believe in. Although I can also be a skeptic. I am not one to automatically think a noise, feeling, sound or something I see is paranormal. I need to try and debunk it first. Since I am so fascinated by it, one of the things I would love to do is go visit some places that are supposed to be haunted. Places like the Stanly Hotel and the Waverly Hills sanitarium. What I would really love to happen is to be able too go on a ghost hunt with Jason Hawes and Grant Wilson from the tv show 'Ghost Hunters'. I respect what they do and how they do their investigations. Like I said, a silly wish.


I want to travel around the world. See everything. Do everything. I know I can't possibly do and see everything because it is just not humanly possible but I want to get close enough. Some of the places I want to see: Hawaii, UK, Australia, Bahamas, South America, etc  etc. I even want to go to places like the Arab countries and Africa. I want to explore, see, learn and have fun.


I wish I had the money so I could open a shelter for homeless gay teens. I know there are a lot of teens that are straight and homeless but there are more shelters for them than there are for teens that are gay. This will take so much money to do it the right way including having the security we will need to protect the shelter and the teens from the haters. I want to do this so bad but it seems impossible unless we happen to win the lotto.


All my life I have wanted to give to those that are less fortunate than me and to known charities. I have never had the money to do so. Sometimes it kills me inside to see some of the things others have to go through and I want to help them even if it's in a small way. One of these days I am hoping I can do this.

I still want to do things with my photographs. I still need some schooling. I'm just waiting to have enough money to do this.


I want to turn my poems and stories into books. This may be a little hard but I will continue to look into it and when I am ready I will unleash. One thing though, I need an artist that won't mind doing the art for free since I don't have the money to pay. Don't think that will happen.


My husband and I have also talked about opening up a no kill animal shelter. Again this will take more money than we could have. There are not enough of them out there and why should the animals die just because no one has taken them in by a certain time? It's not fair or right.


I guess this could have been included with the going around the world but I want to go on cruises. Reach places that you can't by plane or because the plane ride is to long for me to handle. I especially would like to have the chance to go on a Disney cruise and the New kids On The Block cruise.

I would like to meet Donnie Wahlberg even if it's once. I have had a crush on him since 1986 so to meet him would be pretty cool.


To meet and hang out for a day with the amazing Darren Hayes. Yes he is my favorite male artist beside Michael Jackson but that isn't the only nor the main reason I want to meet and hang with him. From what I know about Darren, he really is beautiful inside and out, he intrigues me, he's funny, sweet etc etc. I love hearing his thought on things. Darren is very deep, inspiring. 


Other little things I would love to do: donate blood, try to do things that scare the crap out of me like maybe hang glide (TERRIFIED of heights), go on a helicopter ride, snorkel even though I can't swim, play with dolphins. I know there are other things but this is a good start. ;-)


So what are your hopes, dreams, wishes?

Has been a struggle

I kinda feel funny blogging about this personal issue but at the same time if there are other women out there that are having the same issues, then maybe it will help for them to know that they are not alone.
I am talking about an ectopic pregnancy. About 5 1/2 yrs ago, I had what is called an ectopic pregnancy. It is when the fetus is somewhere else other than the uterus. In my case it got stuck in the left fallopian tube. Since it can't survive there, the tube burst, I lost the baby, had a massive internal bleeding and almost lost my life.
I didn't even know that I was pregnant. One night when I got up to start dinner, I had a big gas pain, felt sick and really dizzy. When I laid in front of the AC, I felt better. Later on I started to feel dizzy again & had to use the bathroom but knew I would faint if I got up. When my husband came home, he helped me up and before I could make it out of the front room, I fainted.
I thought it was because of the heat since the heat can make me feel dizzy etc & because I did feel better at one point. I finally made it up the stairs to my bedroom and I think at some point I fainted again. Some parts are still blurry. I didn't sleep at all that night.
The next day my husband got the kids to school. I now felt worse. Feeling full, in some pain and could hardly move. The kids had a short day. I still wanted to see what would happen before I went to the hospital. By the afternoon I was in so much pain I was scared and wanted to go to the doctors. My husband called 911, the firemen took my blood pressure, I fainted again but they caught me.
I got over to the hospital by ambulance (very bumpy ride). They asked me the normal questions. I did not think I was pregnant. Not to go all TMI but the last time we had sex, my husband didn't, well you know, so we didn't think anything of it. They ran a test anyways and sure enough I was. She then told me that I was about 3 weeks pregnant but I also had an ectopic pregnancy and lost it. Not in those words but basically that is what she said. She also said that I had internal bleeding and needed an operation to stop the bleeding or I will die.
I had to process all of this but couldn't show emotion because I was in pain. Now I no longer have a left fallopian tube. My parents came out, helped me for about a week before going back to CA. That night I lost it. All the emotions of everything came flooding out. By the way, I lost so much blood that it took 2 1/2 bags to refill me! I am dead serious. If I didn't go in when I did, I would not be here. I went through a lot of emotional stages and going through one now (will explain in a bit). That was the first time I had gotten pregnant. I never really got angry and I pretty much know why it happened. I had a cyst (not cancerous) and that is what stopped it. I am not angry, I just wonder why was this the only time I have gotten pregnant since I have been with my husband for about 16+ yrs (before we got married & almost 13 yrs marriage).
I still and always will think about it. Twice a yr it really gets me, Sep (that's when it happened) and around May/June because that is when he/she would have been born. What also has been bugging me is how to talk about it to people. Since I have recently putting myself out there trying to make friends (something I have never really done being a shy person), things have been coming up that is hard to deal with.
All the girls that I have been meeting have small kids. Some around the same age mine would be. I hear them talk about their kids, what they went through when they were pregnant etc etc. As I hear them talk about it, it keeps bringing up the feelings I have about loosing mine knowing that I would be talking about it all too but can't. They do not know yet what has happened to me because the subject really hasn't come up for me to say something.
It is getting harder and harder for me to hear these stories. Last time I almost left the room to go cry in the bathroom. I know I should and have to bring it up to them but how and when? I just don't want to pop up and say "oh by the way I lost a baby and almost died 5 1/2 yrs ago" especially if everyone is laughing and having a good time. I don't want to spoil any ones fun nor do I want it to be about me or have the attention turn to me.
I knew this was going to happen. I want to tell them but I just don't know how to or when the best time to bring it up. I also know that I will start crying when I do tell them. This is my new step in the grieving I guess, learning how and when to talk to people about it. I don't know what to do about it. I know I will work it out but for now it is very hard and I feel stuck. I know, a pretty long blog just to say what my issues is but I felt I had to explain my story first. Thanks for reading this long blog. If anyone has had an ectopic pregnancy, feel free to leave a comment or talk about it. Not a lot of people know about it and it can be really hard to get through.