Having A Gay Parent

There is always talk about same sex couples raising kids. What you don't hear enough about is the kids that have gay parents. I am here to talk about my story.

If you have read my other blog Coming Out In My Family , you will know that my father is gay. Because in the 60's and 70's being gay was something one just didn't talk about, it made it harder for my dad to be who he was. Like a lot of LGTB people then, he tried to not be gay. He married my mom and a year later I was born. He struggled with it the whole time. Then in the early 80's, my sister was born. By this time he knew he couldn't change and accepted who he was. My parents split.

When he told me he was gay, I was about 10 or 11 years old. I knew what being gay meant, I just didn't understand it. Hell, I didn't even understand about straight relationships. I just knew that my dad was who he was and he couldn't change that. I knew a lot of people hated people who were gay and there was a lot of violence towards anyone who was. It was all over the news. Yes those things still go on today but not like they did back then.

I felt sad for my dad and scared. Sad because I knew things would be harder for him and I didn't want that. Scared because I didn't want someone to beat him up or worse. I was also afraid of how I might be treated in school since I was already being bullied. 

At some point I decided to tell the few friends I had. Luckily they didn't care. Thank God their parents didn't care either. I never got bullied because I had a gay father, it was just other things like I was too skinny, I couldn't play sports etc etc.

My father never threw his relationships "in my face" so to speak. Even if it was something I saw all the time, it wouldn't have made a bit of difference if the person he was dating was male or female, I would have still felt the same. I was only introduced to two people. The first didn't work out. The second guy did and was amazing.

He did everything he could to make my sister and I feel welcome. He was one of the sweetest guys you could ever meet. He treated my dad with respect and my sister and I with respect. He treated us like his own daughters. He made my dad happy. Those are the things that really mattered. There are too many boyfriend/girlfriend's of single parents that treat the kids like crap. I would rather have my dad (or mom for that matter) be in a relationship with someone who was/is respectful than to be in one that is abusive.

When we would be out in public, there would be times I would wonder what would happen if someone found out that my dad and the other guy were a couple. Sometimes I wouldn't want anyone to know. I knew there was nothing wrong with two guys being in a relationship but knowing how other people felt about it made me uncomfortable. I know all of this is one of the reasons why some people say gay couples shouldn't have children. The thing is, one it was a different time (the 80's) and two, it didn't damage me at all. I was just more aware of things and I was already a child with low self esteem. Plus, the negative things that some people throw out can make anyone feel uncomfortable, child or adult.

My father and this guy got married but wasn't legal since back then it wasn't allowed anywhere. I didn't attend because I lived in a different state. Was it hard? Yes but not because my dad was marrying another guy. It was hard because he was marrying another person that wasn't my mom. I was about 18 or 19 but it was still hard. I just never dealt with any of feelings I had about my parents splitting up.

Fast forward to today. I am not broken or damaged by having a gay parent. Yes I was raised by my mom and still had my dad in my life but that's not the point. Even if I was raised by my dad, I would still be just fine. I haven't "turned gay", I don't sit here and think "it's cool to be gay" and any other myth you want to throw out can be, well thrown out. I can tell you that I would rather have a gay parent(s) than not have any at all. My father never abused me, he didn't abandoned me and he isn't sitting in a prison somewhere where I can only see him through bars and/or glass. I was taught the same things as any other child growing up.

I was shown and taught about love. That love comes in all different ways and is not prejudiced, only people are. I just want my dad to be happy. That is what really matters. I am grateful that my dad found that special someone. Unfortunately he lost his life and couldn't marry my dad legally. 

To anyone who sits there and says that a kid having two moms or dads is not good for the child needs to get educated more on the subject. How about talking to kids who are in the situation or adults who grew up with same sex parents. We will tell you that it's really ok. Kids don't care if they have 1 parent or 2, 2 moms or 2 dads; they just care about being loved, supported and to be protected. So to deny a child a loving home who doesn't have parents is the real damage. The only people care seem to care who a child lives with is other adults.

I think some adults have forgotten what it's like to be child and how it feels. Children are not stupid. They know more than they are given credit. They are curious about the world and we need to educate them on the different people and lifestyles even if we don't agree to some of them. We need to stop sheltering them from little things and shelter them from the bigger things. Children tend not to judge so why do we as adults?

Some might say that kids don't know what's best for themselves. I call bullshit. Yes we know more but kids do know what they need and want. Just ask them. Ask them if they would rather have 2 parents of the same sex or no parents at all (or in jail etc etc). I guarantee you they will say they would rather have 2 same sex parents.

Some might say that there is a risk of sexual abuse. I think there needs to be more education on this subject as well. People are people no matter what. They will sexual abuse a child no matter straight or gay. Most abusers that go after the same sex are straight. Ask them. Has anyone? Probably not. Do real research before speaking on the subject. 

How about, "they will get teased/bullied", well guess what, the bullying is going to happen no matter what the subject is. We can't protect our children from everything. "It's not a normal family". What is a normal family? Where parents fight all the time, are abusive, uncaring, drugs and so forth? Please people, stop with the crazy nonsense. Talk to actual kids and adults that grew up with gay parents. Let a child go to a loving home no matter who the parents are. They WILL be ok. Remember, the sad thing is and the real damage is not letting a child have a loving home and protecting them from things they don't need protect from.

Coming Out In My Family

I usually don't like to go deep into my personal life over the internet but I feel the need to do this. The topic 'gay' has been hot for awhile and continues. It's a good thing though; the more we talk about it, the more the issue the world has with it can be dealt with.

My parents split up when I was about 10 years old. I didn't understand why. When I was around 11 (I think) is when I found out why. He sat me down and told me he was gay. I don't remember the entire conversation. At the time, rumors were going around that Michael Jackson was gay. I never cared if he was or wasn't. So when he sat me down, he said "Your mom told me that you don't care if Michael Jackson is gay." I told him I didn't care and something along the lines of because he is still a human being, it's who he is etc. My parents taught me to treat everyone with respect no matter color, size, religion, rich or poor etc etc. Then he said ".....I'm gay". I don't remember the words before it. 

I broke down and cried and hugged him. I knew the world didn't accept people who were gay and I remember hearing stories of people getting beat up or killed just because they were "different". This scared me. Because of people being so cruel, I didn't want my dad to be gay, not because I thought there was something wrong with it. I was also being bullied at school (most of my entire elementary school years) so I was also scared that the kids at school would find out and bully me even more. I was scared of what people thought.

At some point I made the decision to tell the friends I did have. I don't know why but I felt I had to tell them. I was terrified. I thought they would not want to be my friend anymore. If I lost them, I would have no one. I can only imagine that this is what it must be like for someone coming out. Thank God my friends didn't care. I am very thankful for their support. Their parents didn't care either. 

Since I was 11, I didn't understand relationships, straight or gay. I knew my dad didn't chose to be gay. I think I was still confused about things. I didn't want anyone to know outside of who already did. My dad met a guy. He was one of the sweetest people you could ever meet. He accepted my sister and I. Anytime all of us went anywhere, I would wonder if people knew. Were they judging? What did they think? Would we be kicked out of places? My dad ended up getting married to this guy (I will leave his name out). I didn't attend because I was living in Colorado. The marriage wasn't legal at the time. Unfortunately my step-dad passed away before they could marry legally. I never really got to know him they way I wish I could have. I was shy and always concerned about others around me. I think I was uneasy because I knew people around me were. It took me a long time to not give a crap what others think.

My dad told his family except his mom. He grew up in a religious family. His mom probably would have been very upset and maybe not want anything to do with him. She was also old and I think my dad just didn't want to upset her. I don't think I truly know why he didn't tell his mom. Maybe because he wanted to keep her in his life. In order to do so, he hid himself from his mom. She knew his husband but only as a friend. I know this hurt him.

Jump several years into the future. I'm married with two step sons. We've always told them that we didn't care if they were gay, straight, bi etc. We would still love them just as much. My oldest one day sat on the couch and we started talking about different things. Then he just came out and said "I'm bi and I am dating a guy." All I said was "ok." We talked a little more and that was it. He said even though we told him we didn't care, he still had a hard time telling me/us. He still thought we would throw him out. 

When I hear of stories of parents disowning their children because they are gay, it pisses me off. I can't understand how a parent, their flesh and blood, toss their kid out like yesterday's trash just because they like the same sex. Whatever happened to unconditional love? A parent will never like some of the things their kids do or their choices in life. A parent doesn't have to like that their child is gay (and even think it's wrong) but can still keep them in their lives and love them. NOTHING will get me to disown my kids and I didn't even give birth to them. I just don't get it.

I still get scared for my dad's and son's life sometimes (and for anybody else that I care about that are gay). I don't go around announcing to everyone they are gay but I don't hide it either. I am in more of acceptance of where I come from, of who I am. I really hope one day nobody will have to come out. I hope it will no longer matter who someone gets married to or sleeps with. That we can just learn to let people live their own lives and stop the stupid things that go around about people who are gay. I hope there will no longer be labels for people. That everyone everywhere can be treated equally (well in some countries women I think will never be treated equal but I think you get what I mean).

In the end, people are people. It doesn't matter where one comes from, rich, poor, different colors and religions, gay, straight, bi or transgender. We are still all humans. Even if you think it's unnatural, disgusting, a sin or what have you, we're still all human and need to be treated with respect. No one has to like what others do but who's business is it how someone lives? Who's business is it if someone "commits a sin"? We should be allowed to live a happy life and the way we want. Would you want someone to judge you? To treat you like crap because of who you are? To beat the crap out of you just because you live a different life than others? 

So this is my story of coming out in my family. My thoughts and feelings. I want to thank everyone who has accepted me after knowing about my dad and son. Thank you to my family who have accepted my dad. Without your support, his life would have been hell and lord knows how things would have turned out. My love, heart and positive energy to everyone who has a story like mine, who has struggled or is struggling with themselves. xo