My Mask

This blog is going to be a very personal. I got the idea to write about my mask, a mask that people wear, from a Darren Hayes' song & video 'Stupid Mistake' also from things he has said about it. I don't normally open myself up like this but maybe someone else will see this that is going through the same thing & won't feel so alone, so here it goes.


I've worn my mask all my life. Only showing myself to the few. Why have I put one one? I was picked on & bullied at school and where I lived. Even by a couple of teachers. I was made to feel stupid & slow by my peers & my school. Telling me I had a learning disability when all I needed was a little extra help. Spending everyday at recess alone, sitting up against the wall. Dodge ball was hell. I was left to fend for myself (learning wise)in the 7th grade by placing me back in 6th because the 7th grade class was to full(at the time my elementary went from K-7 and high school 8-12). I never got that 7th grade education. I was always cast aside even by my older cousins because they were teens & didn't want a little kid around. I so get it now & don't hold it against them but the damage was done since I didn't get it then. I was constantly made to feel there was something wrong with me.I never went to my prom & only the creepy guys showed interest in me. I almost had a boyfriend when I was 17 but he left because I barley spoke. I had my mask on, to scared, embarrassed, had to protect myself.


As I slowly remove the mask, I find myself making mistakes. Mistakes that sometimes shows something I'm really not without meaning to. Not knowing how to express myself, feeling relaxed enough to just be me, to just communicate. I try my best, feeling scared, always questioning myself. Wondering if what I'm saying is stupid, boring, to weird, drama, to much about me or just wrong. When trying to not question myself & just do, is when I sometimes make those bad mistakes, not realizing it until after. It being to late, just want to hide with embarrassment.


For some, being behind the mask makes them be someone they are not. For me it's different. It is more of a protection. I am never fake. Just revealing small pieces of me while hiding the rest. Finding it overwhelming to say the simplest things, mind goes blank only to sometimes come up with something way after the conversation is over. Sometimes I babble which can be just as bad. Being in a group of people, I am the one who sits behind the glass wall. Watching everyone else. With one person that I don't know well, I still have my mask on. My "protection" mask. What comes so natural and easy to most, is very difficult for me.


I try not to be so afraid to take it off even just a little. I try to just go with it. If I think to much about it, I will talk myself out of things. When I try not to do that, again that's when the big mistakes happen. When it's off, I feel naked & vulnerable. Seeing my reflection without it isn't good either (that is another "story"). Trying to peel it away until it's gone is one of the most hardest & scariest things ever. No one wants to feel alone, lost, just there, pushed aside or judged. Yet  we feel it behind our mask. Whenever I try to reveal myself even just a little, most of the time it doesn't work. My mask holds me back. Today for this blog, I have taken off my mask.